I Feel Nothing When I See a Baby
I remember my firstborn's face up so clearly from that first ultrasound — his sweet lips, his turned upwardly nose, his big eyes, and the tiny fist of fingers that never moved from his mouth. I felt like I knew him instantly when he was born considering I'd already "met" him.
This 2nd time around, our babe'south been a bit photographic camera shy to say the least. After both the large anatomy scan and a bonus ultrasound, we had still yet to run across what our baby looked like. After the third ultrasound, where the face was finally revealed, I can't say the same near "coming together" my second kid like I did with my firstborn.
I've been carrying this growing child for 8 months now, nonetheless I still can't relate to him/her at all. I don't know if it's because I was expecting to run into my son's face reflected in this baby or not, only as soon as I saw the ultrasound photo, I felt like there was a stranger within me. In the midst of feeling similar a horrible mother and homo, I stole a sideways glance at my husband and immediately saw in his eyes that he felt it, too.
I know information technology'due south completely normal to non feel an instant bond and connexion with your baby during pregnancy, and even right after. It can have time and accommodation to actually, truly fall in love.
Just here I am viii months significant and what bond I did have with my growing baby feels like it was ripped away from me, all considering of an innocent ultrasound.
You would recall, if annihilation, an bodily photographic glimpse of your child would aid build the bridge that lets you connect and identify with your babe, simply for my hubby and I, it was the exact opposite.
Perhaps it's considering it took almost the entire pregnancy to lay eyes on more than just a spine or elbow, or perhaps it's the fact that the only experience I've had in the earth of ultrasounds is the face up of my offset child and this was not him.
Whatever the reason, I suddenly feel completed disconnected and physically separated (as impossible as that sounds) from this baby growing inside me.
The existent fear this instills in me is that I won't exist able to connect to my baby when he or she is born. That I'll get through hours of labor and give birth, finally having that sugariness infant placed in my arms, only to feel like it'south not mine or that he or she doesn't belong in our family.
I instantly savage in love with my son when he was built-in three years ago. Although my love definitely grew into something greater as I got to know him more, that instant feeling of belonging was there without a doubtfulness.
This time, I see a subconscious face up barely peering dorsum at me, with lips and a nose that I don't recognize at all. Information technology might as well exist somebody else's baby far across the other side of the globe, or an image conjured up completely from imagination. (Only it's non my imagination it's coming from.)
I've tried hard not to compare my pregnancies in hopes that I'll also not compare my babies, merely simply uttering these words out loud has me feeling like I've already failed at raising siblings. I didn't know my firstborn before I saw his face up on the ultrasound, so why is it and then different this time effectually? Why tin't I connect and make room for this new, unfamiliar baby in my eye?
I know technology tin exist both a blessing and a expletive, and I'chiliad not sure which camp this falls under. A blessing because I can learn my infant'south healthy, just a curse because otherwise I wouldn't even be able to dream upward these feelings. Or perhaps a blessing because I can piece of work through this discomfort and shock at present, before I accept a baby to hold in my arms and care for.
I know I might sound crazy — I'yard the kickoff to admit it. Merely the realization that my husband — the well-nigh level-headed, not-overreactor I know — felt the same thing without me uttering a word, allow'south me know I'm at to the lowest degree not alone in my globe of crazy.
This mail service was originally featured on Babble.com.
I Feel Nothing When I See a Baby
Source: https://www.mamamia.com.au/feel-nothing-for-unborn-baby/